How To Embrace Messy Life Transitions W/ Tiffany Lanier

Joy Dixon: 00:01

Hello there, and welcome to the joy flip life podcast, where we have candid conversations with black women on nourishing their mental well being, while balancing career, family life and community care. I'm your host, Joy Dixon, a public health professional turned woman and tech and lover of seeing people thrive in their zone of genius. A quick heads up, our episode today is about finding peace during life transitions. And we'll mention navigating postpartum depression. If you or someone you know, is struggling with postpartum depression, help is available. You can call or text Postpartum Support international at 1-800-944-4733. So today's guest is an author, and known for bridging the gap between well being and work. Tiffany Lanier is the leading voice in personal growth change and well being. As a public speaker, facilitator and founder of the morning shift company, Tiffany helps individuals and organizations initiate personal and collective change through intentional mourning experiences that support how they live, lead and work. And you know, I'm such a fan of yours, Tiffany. So welcome to joyfully black.

Tiffany Lanier: 01:28

I am so excited to be here. I am joyfully black. So I love it. I love your name.

Joy Dixon: 01:36

Thank you. Thank you. So you know, Tiffany, I always like to have guests level set. You know, I really love you to tell us your story. How did you start on this path to well being and really fostering these intentional mourning experiences?

Tiffany Lanier: 01:52

Yeah. And a story it is. You know, for me, it started with the pregnancy of my first born. During that pregnancy, I ran into a few complications that were pretty life threatening. And the doctor told me that I wouldn't make it to 24 Well, not I but my, my unborn daughter wouldn't make it to 24 weeks at the time. And because of those complications, there was also a possibility that I could lose my life in the process. And this was really the beginning of having to have a few talks with myself through that time. Because as I was now having to navigate, this particular season of change is what I call them. I was up against a couple of different things at the time, I was just start, I just started my company, live activity where I was coaching and speaking. And now I was pregnant. But then now I'm also having these complications. And at the time, because I was just, I just started my entrepreneurial journey. If you know anything about entrepreneurship, it is a hustle and grind, center, you know, for driving yourself into the ground, basically. And at the time, I had been like pulling all nighters and doing all kinds of very unhealthy things. And with being pregnant, I had already started thinking, Okay, you got to start doing a bit better, right? Because you are housing a whole human. But then with the complications, I had to really allow myself to give my body a fair chance of creating a space for wellbeing, so that my my unborn child could have a fighting chance to survive and live and that my body could have a chance to survive and, and live through this particular experience. So that was the beginning process of me starting to think, okay, there's some shifts that you need to make in order to create space for your well being in this particular moment. And it was through that, that I began to try to focus on like, what is meditation? And what could this look like for me limiting the amount of hours that I was even working at the time and really having some focus hours versus a lot of the time we do a lot of busy work, right that takes so much of our time and attention, just really honoring my body and what I was experiencing and allowing myself to just veg if I needed to or sleep when I needed to and rest when I needed to. And so that was the beginning and I overcame those complications with my miracle baby autumn sky. And few months later, you know, after I gave birth to her, I then started going to another interesting season of change outside of being a brand new mom, right? That's a whole identity shift in itself. Uh huh. But I was I began to go through postpartum depression. It was in post during this postpartum depression time that it was so difficult, like I thought the complications was challenging was a challenge. And that was a difficult time to overcome. But the mental and emotional spiral that I felt myself experiencing and going through all while not only trying to be a mom, but also trying to run a business, and trying to be a motivator to people on stages and trying to provide clarity, you know, to my coaching client. I mean, I was just literally trying to be the 101 things that so many of us are constantly juggling, or we're juggling multiple roles and personalities, kinds of things. And it was at a time that I felt so unmotivated, so unclear about my path about who I was, what I wanted, how I could be all of these things to all of these people. And it made me feel like a fraud, you know, talk about like, impostor syndrome. People come to me for clarity, and I'm unclear people come to me for motivation. And I am not motivated, like, who am I in this process? And it took a mentor of mine, to ask me a really strange question. But I'm happy that she did. And she said, What do you do in the morning, and I'm like, I don't even understand why you were asking me this. Because my mornings are crazy. I have a newborn or at the time, you know, even she might have been six or seven months at the time, but not sleeping through the night, I'm exhausted, I still gotta get up and get things going, I gotta get to work, I got all these things to do. So my mourning is just pretty much scattered. And she's like, well, you know, you just had a baby. He went through a crazy traumatic experience, you know, with these complications. In the last year, you just started a new business, that's its own birthing of something brand new, right? Yes. And then at that time, I had just moved across country from Florida to Denver, and she's like, and you just made a really big move. Like you have done a lot of things in a very short period of time. Have you held any space? For all the changes that you have made? Both physically, mentally, emotionally? Like, have you given yourself any time to actually process any of it? I'm like, No, you know, like, No, I haven't, I just kept going, I just kept moving forward and trying to get to the next thing and reach the next goal. And that is ultimately what hustle culture, you know, really does to us. Really, our Western culture, American culture is rooted in hyper productivity, like, if you're not productive, if you're not being, whatever that means truly productive. Like, are you even doing anything? Right? Are you even worth anything? Are you even valued as a human are? Like, these are all the things that we are constantly asking ourselves, which is why it's so difficult for us to rest? Why it's so difficult for us to slow down or just be you know, and so, it was in some of these questions that she asked me that I realized I was not a what we say like pouring, I was not pouring into myself, right, I was pouring into everyone else. And my cup was empty it, you know, like, you were in the Gessle. I was an empty vessel. And did I even have a cup? You know, we talk a lot about like, you're pouring from an empty cup, but I'm not even sure I had a cup. You know, that's a whole conversation,

Joy Dixon: 08:48

that is the whole conversation, even have a cup,

Tiffany Lanier: 08:52

have a cup, and I'm not sure I had a cup to pour from. And I was like, okay, something needs to change, I have a big, I have a big vision. For my life, I have a big vision for how I want to contribute to the world, I have a big vision for how I want to show up as a parent, as a partner as all the things and all the roles. And so what I'm doing right now, clearly, is not working. It is not leaving me in a good mental or emotional state, which is not allowing me to be the best version of who I appear to be. So I know at this point, something has to change. And that was really the beginning of me creating a practice for rediscovering who I was. And so what she instilled in me was you got to create some time for yourself, you know, like I really think you need to focus on like building even if just a few minutes in the morning on like doing something that lights you up and also maybe doing some some self discovery work that will recalibrate your being right and so, as a coach from there I was like, okay, but let me, let me see what I could do myself just like I hold space for my clients and others to be better versions of who they're here to be. And to create work that is meaningful, like, I need to treat myself like a client, and what would I tell myself and what would I do. And so it was in that understanding that I began creating a morning practice to ultimately rediscover who I was for that time for that season of my life, to redefine what mattered to me what was most important reprioritize you know, everything and allow myself to create that container for discovery and healing and care, and just really honor the time and space and not feel like I had to rush myself into any any one particular place. And from creating that container of well being, everything really started to shift for me, and it took it took a couple of months, but maybe I would say within three months or so of being consistent with my practice, I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel, you know, and maybe it was during that time that I built a cup, you know, if we're gonna say with the analogy of no cup shares in this, in this time that I actually maybe even custom molded, molded a cup, right? That fit the Tiffany that was in that moment, versus the Tiffany, that was in the past that I was so eager to try to hold on to. And it was from that cup that I could begin to pour again,

Joy Dixon: 11:43

Tiffany, I really appreciate you sharing this with us today. And I think the first time I met you first time they see conference, you they'll see conference, and we were on a bus from the airport, going to the conference, you know, they were transporting us. And I remember you share a little bit of your story. And so I'm glad I've heard that I guess the more complete version, I'm sure there's other bits and pieces. And what's standing out to me, there's a lot of things that stand out tomorrow, something that you just said around accepting this cup that looks like the you that you are now versus the person that you used to be. He said it took about three months. I know, you know, this inner work in there. But what was that like realizing that the past you is that the past and you're walking into this acceptance of this new role you have as a mom, you know, being an entrepreneur coming to terms with all of these huge transitions that you just went in a short period of time?

Tiffany Lanier: 12:40

Yeah. I'm still processing that time. And I feel like I've probably smashed and recreated new cups, lots of times. But that initial change, you know, and I talk and I have sharing as you as you've mentioned, I've shared this with you on a bus, right, like I just mentioned, I was like, here's my story, right? This is this is something I clearly talk about a lot. And but within that what I learned maybe even some months of reflecting later is that what I was going through was an identity death. I never knew that a part of you almost feels like it has to die in order to create space for this next version of who you're here to become. And what happens in this identity death is like any other real tangible death, like a mourning period, there's grief, there's trying to understand and what's happening understand, well, who am I without, you know, usually it's a person without this person in my life, but it's the same, who am I now without this person, this past me that I had plans and visions for and we, you know, we're doing all the things now, a part of that version of her is no longer with me, right? And I have to now come to terms with it. And then I have to be okay with it. And then I have to allow for the person that's emerging all at the same time or within a period of time. So that looks different for everyone else. For me, it was a couple of months, because I was doing this deep work. And I'm because I'm a coach, I think I was able to ask myself some deeper questions and not everyone is able to do that with themselves. But it was really just allowing myself to become completely unraveled. And in working to detach from the person I was and then who I was developing into at that time and so it looks messy and it looks scary and it looks like resistance and crying and joy I'd like, you know, it's a very mixed emotion experience. And I hope I'm answering the question the way that you asked it to me, but it's just a full and I'm actually working on a new keynote. And so I've literally been thinking about this process again, as I'm putting this talk together. And it's the messy version of the experience of becoming, it is literally the discovery, the rediscovering the puzzle pieces are all, you know, like, when you think about a puzzle, when we get ready to do a puzzle, the puzzle pieces are everywhere, yes, like they are everywhere. And you know that at some point, you're going to put those puzzle pieces back together, and eventually you're going to have this finished product. And that is kind of what we usually are enduring. As we go through great seasons of change, we have to like literally almost come apart to like a puzzle. And we have to work to put the puzzle pieces back together for them to make sense. And at times, there's like a couple of little pieces come together, and you're like, Okay, I see, I see something developing over here, it's so much clearer. But I'm getting somewhere. And there's all these little sections, you know, like I'm just like, literally thinking of the last time I had to do a puzzle, but you have all these little pieces that are starting to come together. And then eventually there's the big picture. And that's kind of what it felt like and what it feels like when we're going through these seasons of understanding is messy pieces that we're working towards putting back together. And that was what it felt like time to get back to a place of quote unquote, normalcy for the moment because then we know we're heading right back into another transition of some sort.

Joy Dixon: 16:40

Yeah, you know, when everything stays like, plot twists, just when things are just glanceable. Right, the curveballs like, okay, all right, we're gonna roll with this. During this again, here we go.

Tiffany Lanier: 16:51

There we go.

Joy Dixon: 16:55

Yes, here we go is right. And as you were working through this messiness, what were some strategies or tools in addition to your morning routine practice, that really helps you during this? Identity death?

Tiffany Lanier: 17:12

Yeah, so within building the practice, so the practice is usually like you say, it's made up of things, right. It's made up of tools for resources of some sort. And so for me, at that particular time, and it's still now my go to tools are journaling, meditation. Even depending on how spiritual you are, and the type of spirituality, I'm a sucker for a good ritual, and creating that kind of space, particularly around letting go write a ritual of letting go and that can be very cathartic. So just so that I can put context to like, a ritual, depending if you do rituals, or not writing a letter, right and, and maybe expressing the pain and sorrow of this letting go of this grieving process of the person I thought we were and now who are we becoming? And I don't know, I'm so confused. But here's what I'm looking forward to, or here is what I want her here's what joy means to me. And this is, I may not know how to get there right now. But this is the kind of joy that I'm looking forward to experiencing, you know, whether or not you know it, but doing certain acts, allows for like moments of closure. And so one of the things I remember doing was writing a letter, probably a letter of grief, more so mourning, the old self, and then I lit it on fire. And just, it's the lighting on fire. It's the act of lighting on fire, that is finite, right and cathartic. Like, in this moment, I am choosing to let that burn, you know, the very Usher, like, let it just let it for yes. And maybe you can play that song too, while you're at it tears flow, and let yourself be completely messy and unraveled at the seams and be okay with that messiness. Because a lot of the time we are trying so hard to put on the front, you know, put on the strong person and maybe you are the strong person or you're strong person for your family and I'm definitely that person that most people are like, she's been through hard things and she always gets through those hard things and she's fine and she's gonna be fine. Like we know Tiffany, she'll she'll pull it together. Okay, so but the check on your strong friend thing is real. It is very real. And everybody all of us strong or because it what we don't talk about is like, well, if you have the strong friend, then what are you the weak friend? I don't even know what are you exactly what we're telling people like, Well, you're the strong one and I must be the weak one or whatever. even know how this conversation if Go. But we need to like rethink about human experience, it's full of ups and downs, emotions and plot twist. So maybe we all have moments of change and transition that deserves to be held, you know, we deserve to hold on to our friends, family and those that we care about, and allow them to be unraveled at the seams. And because we all been there, as all get on the same page here, most of us, and maybe not ever, and maybe some people don't, but a lot of people usually get unraveled at the seams at some point in their life experience. And if we can normalize that, allow for the transition, and create the space for this change. So going back to what some of those tools are, you know, from the ritual of burning the letter, or tossing it wetting it crumbling it putting in trash like, you don't have to burn and be careful. Okay.

Joy Dixon: 21:07

Yes. Yeah.

Tiffany Lanier: 21:09

Disclaimer, right. Burn responsibly.

Joy Dixon: 21:15

Please don't Don't

Tiffany Lanier: 21:18

burn my house down like this is not like

Joy Dixon: 21:22

you're burning, arson, no arson,

Tiffany Lanier: 21:25

yes, just throw it away. Actually, I take back the burn and just go ahead and crumble and for safety, but you know, journaling, and allowing yourself to free right? without needing any particular tools or prompts just allowing yourself to be who you are, without trying to censor, right censor yourself in the writing process. And sometimes you don't have to do anything. And I want to say that, again, sometimes you don't have to do anything. Because I think very early on in my own rediscovering process and kind of building out this framework that I now teach, I thought it always had, you always had to have the thing, right, because we're always looking for something to do, right. Something to save us. Something to hold on to that's tangible, which is, which is fair and understandable. But we don't always have to do to become, and just like, allow ourselves to be in the become, you know, and, and that in itself is a whole practice, like learning to rest and learning to not is a practice in itself. And it's uncomfortable in the beginning, which is why like meditating is usually so uncomfortable for people. Because like, you're like, Okay, I'm sitting here, and I'm supposed to just be quiet. You know, like, I'm supposed to, like somehow not think or slow down my thoughts or slow down my thoughts or something. And, and that is usually so uncomfortable. Because we're so used to going so used to producing, we're so used to having something to show for it, right? So when we write in a journal, it's like, Okay, I did something. So this feels tangible. Like I actually did the work. But if we just sit there, then it's like, Did I do anything? Do I have anything to show for this experience? And just want everyone to know, yes, your rest is productive of your allowance, you're sitting there looking at the sky is good enough. And these moments of change and transition, we don't always have to outdo ourselves, you know, the process of healing or well being? It's all a part of it.

Joy Dixon: 23:40

It is it is, I'm so glad you touched upon those items, particularly around different strategies that people could use as well as honoring rest. You know, I saw something recently that said, What is your ancestors Wildest Dreams was rest. For those of us who are black or come from African diaspora. Many of our ancestors were not able to rest at all. Now. It's a luxury right, it can really be seen as a luxury and so

Tiffany Lanier: 24:17

yeah, rest is is a privilege. It is like it's just wild, right?

Joy Dixon: 24:21

It is quite wild and really goes into I mean, this is a whole nother topic, we're really goes into that sense of your value being based on how much you produce, you know, your worthiness, but that's a whole nother conversation for the day,

Tiffany Lanier: 24:35

you know, even to touch quickly before we move on. Yeah, that was a lot of the, like, inner work that I actually did during the pandemic, because during the pandemic, I found out I was pregnant with baby number two. And I was like, really sick like I had a ton of like, just morning sickness just took over and it was just it wasn't just the morning, afternoon and night. It was just really took over. And I was just sick most of the time. And I really wasn't all that I say I wasn't all that productive yet I was growing a whole human, you know. So I think I was more than being productive. I mean, building a human is, it's a challenge in itself. But, and that's a whole nother topic, we have a lot of topics to cover, join, like, to really come back on the blanks here. But it was in that time, and particularly, I think it was, you know, right after George Floyd, and every now everybody wants to be a part of the conversation at the time, now, I was speaking to a white friend of mine. And we're, we're just kind of going back and forth. And somehow I got to the conclusion of this idea around, always having to produce and overwork ourselves being internalized trauma passed down, you know, because that what our ancestors did have, all they could do was work. And so our need to work to be worthy, is deeply rooted in this idea that literally your worth is attached to your work. Yeah. So yes, that's a part of American culture as a whole, but particularly, for black people. That is that is internalized that it's true to who we've always had to be. And so when we struggle with rest, or struggle with stopping, and that feeling of unworthiness comes up or lacking value, because we're not able to produce that is deeply rooted trauma, you know, and that is a part of our own becoming as a culture to allow ourselves because this is our ancestors. Well, the streams like outside of work and the legacies and things that we are building, like rest in itself, you know, as, as others have talked about is an act of resistance. It is because we have worked ourselves into the ground, yeah, built this place for free. You know, maybe resting is a part of our own rebellious act, but our own treat our own retreat in an honor. You know, like honoring our bodies, honoring ourselves, but also honoring everyone before us, for us to be here right now to be able to even have the opportunity to do that. That's my two cents as we went through that conversation real quick.

Joy Dixon: 27:29

And I appreciate it with one two cents, and he was at least 10. You know,

Tiffany Lanier: 27:34

that was my 50 cents.

Joy Dixon: 27:36

I love it. And since you're mentioning, you giving yourself permission to rest during the pandemic, because you were pregnant with your with your second child, who was such a cutie both of your eyes. What was that experience? Like as far as making that conscious decision? Or did you feel like it was a no brainer, because you were physically ill?

Tiffany Lanier: 28:00

Well, yes, it was mostly a no brainer, because I was physically ill. And the Capricorn in me wants to work, okay, like, we are always at it, we are going at it all the time. She's a busy little bee. And I love the work that I do. So it doesn't always feel like but I was very sick. I mean, just my I did not have the capacity to show up in the ways that I was showing up before. And it wasn't a real struggle, like I had, even though my whole platform is on changing well being it was a dose of my own medicine, like I had to really be like, girl, you literally this is literally what you talk about, right? What you teach, and you sit down somewhere and like honor this season, you know, and like really allow for your own personal change and well being then you cannot practice what you preach. So I'm gonna need you to take a seat and it took I mean, but these are so just so that everybody knows we are all human here you know, I am constantly having to reiterate my own medicine my own work and come in it just actually helps me validate the reasons why I do this even more. And so during that time, I did I did slow down you know, am I slowing down other people slowing down or two different slowing down? I actually ended up housing a business accelerator kind of training. So my slowing down still looks a little bit crazy.

Joy Dixon: 29:31

You published a book

Tiffany Lanier: 29:31

Oh yeah, and I've published a book that's correct. That was me on a slow on a slow year okay. Like that was usually I would have amplified that like two or three if you don't know me just know that the capital or me just put in the work okay. And so I tried to slow her down and even then, in the midst of the chaos, she was still like, Listen, this is what we do. So I that was slowing down for me which is interesting. thing because it actually, I still tried. Towards the end of my pregnancy. This is again Capricorn. I was like, I'm gonna launch a whole, I'm going to relaunch a whole program. And right in the midst of me re launching my program at like, 36 weeks pregnant, I began to go into early labor. Oh, and I was like, oh, okay, no, I guess you don't get, you're gonna stop now. And you're gonna just finish out this pregnancy, resting. And then he actually came almost exactly on time. So he was just like, Listen, stop it not going to do is be stressed out. You better get it together. So I did. And that was a very big growth move for me to like, literally have to stop mid launch. And I had a lot of explain, not explaining but sharing with my audience that I know I'm I was putting this work out. But actually, I'm gonna have to take a pause and put a pin in this. And I'll let you know, you know, when I return to offer this thing again. And then the following year 2021. I decided after also some craziness, but that's a whole nother story. But I just I made a conscious decision at that point. So this was where the conscious decision came, I really did need to take the rest of the year. And just be present at home, go real break, and actually not do work at all is very hard for me to completely step back, like not check email, tell people hey, I know you want me to speak here and do this. But I'm actually not doing that right now. So please keep me in mind for you know, next year or whatever. But I really did make the conscious decision to extend my maternity leave and just be present at home. And I'm happy like, it was it was difficult at times, because again, I love my work. And so I appreciate a lot. I'm a visionary at heart. But I'm so grateful A that I had the opportunity, because I didn't always have that opportunity can always afford to do that. And so to be able to do that, I know the privilege in itself. And I'm very happy that I had the chance to do that, because I didn't rest because I have two kids. So it's clear real fast. It wasn't a vacation and it wasn't resting. But it allowed me not to juggle so many balls. And when we're constantly juggling all of the things, we can easily get into a state of overwhelmed, easily burnout ease, you know, all the things become exacerbated. And I just knew that I didn't want to, I didn't want to be extra stressed. Being home with your kids is more than enough. Okay, like more than enough. And I just needed time to bring it all back together. And that's

Joy Dixon: 32:52

good that you that you took that conscious rest. And also you were showing your audience that you are practicing what you're preaching, despite, you know, your cap ways your camera weighs that little goat one to do all the things. That process that was 2021. So we're now in 2022. And as you're preparing for a keynote now and what has the journey been like, as you're making yourself open to more external opportunities out outside of home?

Tiffany Lanier: 33:21

Yeah, I'm taking it slow. And there are many times again, I'm playing catch up, because it's all her that I like start to take on more than I can chew as I transition back. And I've had to pull back. I'm actually in a couple of different certification programs right now. And I had to outside of this keynote, I was like, you know, what if you gave yourself an opportunity to actually be very present for these trainings, versus being in these trainings, and trying to market and so and do all the things at the same time. And so I like literally recently made that decision to actually keep the morning shifts CO on ice for the moment while I finished this, and then we'll be making our full way back into the marketplace in the next couple of months. And that in itself was also again, honoring this season of change, like why take on again, because I can, you know, and not everyone can, but a lot of the times we can and we choose not to so I'm gonna throw that out there. Not everyone can and I understand that, but those who can also tend to like to fill their plate, and that goes back to value, productivity production, that you know worthiness because I've continued to do this work on myself, not tying my worthiness or my value to the level of productivity or even the level of money that I output, you know, in this particular season. And so that is also a practice. How liberating

Joy Dixon: 34:59

has that In for you.

Tiffany Lanier: 35:01

So very, you can, I can just take a really big X, you know, if you're Waiting to Exhale, this is the, this is the moment, because so many of us I'm actually one of the certifications I'm getting is breathwork facilitation. And so many of us hold our breaths, unconsciously that we're literally literally Waiting to Exhale. Yeah. And that's why we are conscious about the breath. And we take that deep breath in, and release. You feel like such a huge weight is taken off your shoulders, because we're constantly holding on to so much and I have goosebumps, because it's like I Can I feel it because I know I have lived it. There are times I'm still living it and I got to bring myself back to is this honoring you and your highest good? Like, really? Is it? Like we all have goals? We all have, you know, certain levels of ambition of what we want to do and what we want to achieve. But can there can there be room for joy? Yeah, can there be room for downtime, not every season to be a season of grind. You know, there are seasons for hustle and seasons for grinding it out. But as every season have to look like that? Can some seasons just be to be, you know, an allowance, maybe a season of surrender, a season of wintering and just kind of being closed off in a season of bloom? Like if we really think about it. Our seasons can and probably should mere nature, think about what happens 12 months out of the year, we go through four seasons. And so what if we allowed ourselves to also go through various seasons throughout the year and be okay with it, versus trying to either live in that hustle grinding season all the time, or trying to get to the next big giant goal, which I'm all about goal setting. I have courses and classes on it. Okay. But with intentionality, with really knowing what is it that you want. So often we are chasing things that we thought that pass us wanted, right? Or that other have that we see other people have, especially with social media being so prevalent, we're constantly inundated by what others are doing what others have, and then you start feeling like, well, if I don't have, am I doing as good? Should I have that already, like I'm behind, you know, maybe I'm five years behind, I'm 10 years behind, I'm so behind on why. And we have no idea what other people are going through what they're experiencing, or what they what they were, what challenges they were met as they reached, you know, these different places. And I definitely used to be very stuck and compare, you know, the comparison place of like, Man, this person, and I kind of started doing the same thing at the same time. But they get like over here, and I'm still over here, you know, and it's been very liberate. So you use the word liberation, these last two years of me taking my unintentional and then in very intentional break, has been quite liberating, not only from the time and space that I've given myself to, to grow and become into this next version, but I realize how much growth I've had, because I, I see certain colleagues who have gotten deals and going on book tours, and speaking on certain on big stages, and going to conferences and events, which I'm still iffy about, even though I have a conference I'm speaking at coming up because of COVID. But like, there's no jealousy, that feels really good. Like, there's no envy. There's just like, that's awesome for you. Like, I love that for you. It's like my new favorite phrase. Like, I love that for you. I love what that is doing for you. I love how excited you are. And I can still be just like chillin over here, knowing that whatever I desire will still be there for me. It will whenever I'm ready. You know, as I'm ready to get back and come back on the scene of sorts, that the things that I want, are still there, they will still be there. It hasn't missed me What's for me is for me, and there's great comfort in that and it's very a liberating mindset to know that you don't have to speed up to get what's yours. Yeah, you can just be and live and honor and know and surrender to the time in which you may be living and then get ready for whatever that next season is. And that's probably been one of the most liberating thoughts and process to use on a personal and definitely on a professional level

Joy Dixon: 40:02

I love here in that space because as they say Comparison is the thief of joy. It definitely is has you look back and and of course you know you're an introspective person and doing the work not only because your coach diving in deep with you so I'm curious if you could talk to your 18 year old self? What would you what advice would you give her knowing all that you know now advice would you give her on honoring herself?

Tiffany Lanier: 40:41

I actually did a video some years ago. Speaking so I think my 20 year old self, maybe it wasn't at all so I don't know, but it was definitely my younger self. Right now, and even then my advice probably has changed since I did that video, what would I tell my 18 year old so I was 18 Things are a wild things. Back then, I had so much anxiety, I just remember being in a constant state of depression, you know, like, just that very Woe is me. Place I will first say it's all going to, it's all going to be okay. You know, it's all gonna work itself out. So three here, three here, like exhale, exhale here. And know that the growth is coming. But mostly enjoy the change and the challenges that there is there is magic in the shifting. And that part. We are always trying to rush. We're always trying to if I can just get through this moment. Yeah, and get to the next. If I can just get through this time I'll be happier than or more joyful, or I'll rest or whatever the case may be. But what if even in the chaos, you can find a moment for joy, moment for rest a moment of being knowing that I will make it through even when you feel like you can't you have to this is an affirming place. Right? I will i am resourceful enough. I have the resilient. The perseverance. But I will make it through this time. Yes, it's tough. Yes, it feels hard. Talking about this in my keynote, that change isn't hard. It feels hard. And that simple reframe can shift the way that we process through through the change the changes that we're enduring as a society, the changes that we may be doing personally or professionally. But this feels hard right now. Yeah. And I can acknowledge that this feels hard. I am going to hold space for the, you know, I tell my daughter, the big emotions. He's big emotions that are coming up. I can sit with that. And I can allow for it. And then I can see the magic in this moment. There's something here, there is a lesson to be learned. There is a new outcome to be had. And what is this experience teaching me? And so that's what I would say to my 18 year old self? What are these experiences here to teach you? What lessons can you pull from this even if it's one? Yeah, the one lesson is I'm not going like you know, I think of ex boyfriends. That's like the biggest thing.

Joy Dixon: 43:57

lesson from your audience is

Tiffany Lanier: 44:01

hey, you should have let him go sooner but wasting your time, your time, but outside of that is that you are whole all by yourself. That was a huge lesson for me out of those early relationships, that I really did not need someone to complete me. But I was hold on myself and I was looking for another whole person to embark on this journey of life with and from our wholeness. We cultivate and create something magical, but I did not need anyone to complete who I was to make a whole piece. And in hindsight is 2020 We always learn our lessons. Some years only like oh, man, if only I could go back. But if we can and that's my challenge to everyone here is even in the midst of the fire in the chaos. What is like one simple counter. What is one simple lesson or takeaway even if you're like lit Literally deep in it, that you can pull from this moment. Because if you can pull one lesson from this moment that can actually change the trajectory of how you move forward and moving on, then imagine what happens when you get to the other side of it, the lessons that you'll be able to pull and the things that you will know and what you can share not only to those around you, but how you'll be able to influence and impact people for for years to come.

Joy Dixon: 45:27

Absolutely, hindsight is 2020. But it also teaches us how much resilience we have, and that we were learning lessons without even realizing it, to create this whole new reality. Yeah. And Tiffany, there's a question I asked all of my guests because I've this quote, by Jean Bolin. And the quote is, when you discover something that nourishes your soul and brings you joy, care enough about yourself to make room for it in your life. So I must ask you one or she is your soul so much that you absolutely create space for it.

Tiffany Lanier: 46:12

Like just any everyday, anything,

Joy Dixon: 46:15

anything. Yeah.

Tiffany Lanier: 46:17

A bath nourishes me Like, I literally be searching for bathtubs, going places displays have, because it's in a bath. Like it's the deep soak that not only physically feels good, but it is a place to exhale. Yeah, it is a place to kind of allow all the things that may be feeling like a weight on your shoulders or in your mind and just kind of releasing it to the water. There's something very therapeutic about water. Gen X, right? Whether it whether it's a bath or a shower, even in the shower, I literally have my best thoughts. And the best thoughts come up. I'm like, Oh, I really need a recorder in here. All right, most of my speeches in my shower, the water the water allows for you to kind of literally wash away you know what the dirt and the things that no longer belong here, but it can also do it from a spiritual level. And that always brings me joy. Oh, I

Joy Dixon: 47:22

love that. Are you a Epsom salt person? Do you feel flowers are all of it? What?

Tiffany Lanier: 47:29

I do the Epsom salts if I have flowers? The flowers are going in it. If I have some milk I don't know. Whatever I can throw in that bathtub. I will become tea. Okay, like not Oh, so can I how to beauty?

Joy Dixon: 47:45

And gosh, oh no wonder your skin so luminous?

Tiffany Lanier: 47:50

Thank you for noticing I love a good bath like it is. Yeah, I mean, and that's a part of it's interesting cuz it's like a part of my brand. Like people will know and be like, did you go and have a bad like, people ask me like, did you get your bathtub? Did you go get a bath? All the gifts that I received for my birthday was literally bath salts, bath bombs bath every was like everyone thinks they know me around here. Okay. I mean, yeah, I do. I mean, it was true. I'll do and I will use this stuff. But you know, I couldn't like other things. Maybe if people asked me on podcast and what do I find joy and and I say things like baps. And it makes sense that people send me bath salts.

Joy Dixon: 48:38

Well, what else bring is bring you joy these days?

Tiffany Lanier: 48:41

Oh, I'm in a very happy, excited place. Just in general. Like I said, it's been two very long, crazy years. And I'm coming out on the other side of this identity death version, you know, that I just kind of transitioned out of and I'm feeling just myself. I'm filling myself and filling the evolution that has occurred. And that just feels amazing. And I feel very joyous, just in my own growth and what's happening next. Like I'm just so excited about the body of work that I'm building and what I plan to put into the world like I'm getting and almost like I have to be like it's impatient. Like, don't say too many things because you're still working on certain things like just be in this moment and just like allow for yourself to experience what you're building. And the world will know soon enough, but that's bringing me so much joy.

Joy Dixon: 49:45

I'm excited. I am excited to see what else did you ever bring out into the world? And do you have any resources that you'd like to share with us today?

Tiffany Lanier: 49:55

I have all kinds of things but a lot of things are being revamped around Particularly around, well being, those things are being revamped. So you're just gonna have to wait and see your you know, if you're into other things like voting, like I have a voting children's, but you can find those things I like code. But all of my well being stuff is literally in the process of being reimagined and revamped. So as soon as I do, though, you'll be the first to know and I'm sure you'll put it in, in the links that be yes,

Joy Dixon: 50:28

people can find it. I certainly will. And are there any other books or resources that are kind of bringing you joy replenishing you in this season,

Tiffany Lanier: 50:38

I'm actually reading right now, the politics of trauma. And it's really, it actually goes very well with my work. Because a lot of what we're processing is internalized trauma from childhood, but this book actually shows you just how much we're internalizing from the world around us. ancestrally, like just how it all comes to being I feel like the more we know, and the more understanding we have of our bodies, and how it works, mind, body and soul, the neuroscience behind how we show up in the world, the more equipped we actually are when it comes to the seasons of change, which is why studying breath and how we are able to move the breath around in order to unlock certain parts of us that are literally being held on in ourselves, you know. So the more we're able to learn and understand how our body and our mind actually operates and functions, the more we're able to have context for why we do what we do. And we don't just be like, I'm crazy, you know, like the things the things that we always say about ourselves like, no, there's actually a real, tangible reason why you're responding the way that you should just learn what that is. And then you'll be able to, like, name it, and be like, Oh, I see. And now I see a pattern. I mean, this is what therapy does, right? Like, I see the pattern. And now I can course correct the pattern so that I don't continue to do these things. So I'm all about resources and books and trainings that give you a deeper dive into who you are. So that you create a foundation for who you're here to become.

Joy Dixon: 52:35

That's great. And I'll definitely link those resources about the breathwork certification and the politics of trauma in the show notes. Tiffany, if you want to go ahead and share you know, how can folks connect with you online?

Tiffany Lanier: 52:47

Yes, you can find me on social media at live with Tiffany. You can also learn more about like the work that I do in two places. live@tiffany.com is all about me and my personal work. And then the morning shift stock code, and about morning, creating, you know, morning routines and rituals to support how we could lead and work.

Joy Dixon: 53:10

Awesome. Well, thank you so much for your time today. Tiffany, it was a pleasure. It's always a pleasure. And see you next time.

Tiffany Lanier: 53:18

Thanks to her.

Joy Dixon: 53:19

I'm so glad Tiffany was able to join us today from navigating postpartum depression to giving herself permission to rest. There certainly were several takeaways pertaining to rediscovering our identities, and evaluating what we need in order to honor ourselves and the higher good. Now I want to hear from you. What do you need in this season to honor yourself? It could be a quiet space more time for connection with loved ones. It could be making time for a good book. Let me know by tagging me on social media or send me a DM on Instagram @Joyfullyblk that's @ joyfullyBLK thanks again for joining cheerfully black this week. If you enjoyed today's episode, please give a five-star review and share with a friend and be sure to visit our website joyfullyblk.com where you can subscribe to the show at Spotify, Stitcher, or wherever you listen to your favorite podcast so you'll never miss a show. Until next week. Stay in the black y'all!